ZERO THE ASTRONAUT “Infinite Evening”
(Solid 7 Records)

When Zero the Astronaut awoke and climbed out of their ancient tomb, flanger pedals in hand, tinfoil instead of linen cloth adorning their decaying bodies, the earth shook, and cries of “1991!” and “1975!” erupted from the terrified populace. Undeterred, the band, led by Alex Adler, raised their arms until golden glitter rained down from the skies, choking 2015 Los Angeles in a storm of sparkling particulate. They wandered through the chaos they created, marveled at the humans choking to death on their magic, their sugar, their blood, their … sex. The City of Angels was forever changed, and no amount of frantic prayer in dying moments to multiple deities was able to save the populace. Zero the Astronaut had arrived. Zero the Astronaut had taken over the city. The first stop toward global domination.

The sounds: psych-grunge-funk. Remember those lesser Sub Pop bands you’d see in their 1994 catalogs that never made it, or were gobbled up in the post-Nirvana major-label grunge grab? This is that music. This is that time. This is Zero the Astronaut’s statement to the world.

I stood alone above Los Angeles on my pillar of cloud and watched as the band shuffled through the streets with their instruments, stopping to mercy kill any survivors with a quick blast of “Misery City.” I shook my head in wonder: how did this band manage to escape their tomb? It was sealed with the deepest magic known to our kind. But up here, above the glittering death, I could only observe the chaos, knowing that we’d secure the borders before Zero the Astronaut could continue with their nefarious plan. I smiled, and hummed a tune that I had forgotten for almost twenty years, a tune from my high school rock band days that sounded ominously like the chord structure of “On Pleasure Pier.” Zero the Astronaut would indeed be destroyed.

--Ryan Masteller