(Orange Milk Records)


Future funk soldiers of the world, unite under your new anthem! Or six new anthems, actually, because this is a tape, and a tape can’t only have one song, can it? I mean, even cassingles had b-sides. Anyhoo, this national anthem tape of the United States of Future Funk is brought to you by Tendencies, aka Brandon Smith, who slings gutterballs of liquid pixels from an orbiting boombox the size of a gas station. I once saw him fight the Daft Punk robots in the Thunderdome on his own and win. Tendencies? More like definite-cies!

Despite the fact that this tape is only six tracks long, it doesn’t let up, never ever, not even for one second. It’s like a miniature block party at the beginning of summer when it’s not too hot out quite yet. Somebody brought a Slip-n-Slide, too. Everybody’s freaking out and having a good time, getting down, then getting it on by the end. I think that’s what Brandon Smith wants out of all this, out of life, don’t you?

Eff it, I’m chugging what’s in front of me (looks like milk?) and getting out of my seat, because I can’t not get into this any longer. I’ll never be tethered to a computer screen again! Thank you, Brandon, thank you Tendencies, thank you Waterbed, I’m not a slave to commerce or etiquette or even sitting anymore. I’m going absolutely wild, finishing this review as I move and shake and wiggle and damn tthe typosp athispoint because its reallllty hard todo botuh of theses thingsss at once youll

--Ryan Masteller